fouille

Chillin' with Mags.

I AM SO POOR.

Especially since I just dropped $110 on a new tattoo. Would anyone be kind enough to buy print(s) of my photographs? I haven't yet decided on a price (probably about $20 for an 8x10 print; come on, that's cheap!). If anyone is interested (PLEASE BE) I can post the photos so you can see them. Or you could just go to my flickr and look around, but not all of the good ones are scanned.

<3

Let me tell you all something about DRY SOCKETS.

It is now Day 5 of post wisdom tooth extraction and my poor little empty sockets are already infected. I've been popping vicodin like candy with no relief, the side of my face feels like it's going to explode, and it smells like something crawled inside of my mouth and died. Not to mention the fact that I have to drive over to my oral surgeon's office every three days (until the sockets heal) to have horrid tasting medicated strips of gauze stuffed into the empty sockets. And because the stitch has been removed, it is impossible to keep food out of the gaping hole in my gums. So food sits in there and rots, making my mouth constantly taste like vomit. The swelling in my face has finally gone down, but my jaw has all but frozen shut.

Fuck. My. Life.

BIOS 101 - Biology of Populations and Communities
Species concepts, natural selection, phylogeny, models of population growth, transmission genetics, gene frequency, adaptation, interactions among species in a community, biomes and climate, ecosystem processes, and human impacts on the environment.

BIOS 286 - Biology of the Brain
Survey of basic neurobiology. Brain structure, chemistry, development and control of behavior (sensation, movement, emotions, memory, cognition, sex).

CHEM 234 - Organic Chemistry II
Continuation of CHEM 232

CHEM 233 - Organic Chemistry I Lab
Introductory organic chemistry laboratory. Basic organic techniques (distillation, crystallization), reactions (esterification, oxidation, addition, substitution, elimination), instruments (gas and liquid chromatography).

LING 160 - Language and Society
Language and its social context: linguistic variation in the community; types of linguistic interaction; language as a reflection of its social origins.

Weee.

So I did this last year when I turned 19 and I thought I would do it again. Mostly because I am once again avoiding some OChem.

Here's the old list, with some shit crossed out that no longer applies:

Lauren...

Is wasting time. Is 19 years old (tomorrow!). Doesn’t wash her hair enough. Is a coffee fiend. Reads the newspaper every Sunday morning religiously. Does not believe in god. Is an existentialist. Has no idea why she is a chemistry major. Is lonely. Wishes she could speak another language fluently. Wishes more people were open about sexuality. Has a ridiculous sex drive. Is a masochist. Prefers guy friends over girl friends. Loves gloomy, shitty days. Gets unnecessarily stressed out. Wishes death upon her chemistry professor nightly. Secretly loves math. Can write pretty good papers, but hates writing. Has double-jointed fingers and toes. Wishes her 5 senses weren’t consistently failing her. Has hair down to her waist. Obsessively rips the skin off her lower lip. Constantly bites the inside of her mouth. Has had braces twice, and loves her teeth. Is grossed out by long fingernails. Loves her cats more than anything in the world. Hopes to be happy someday. Has a lot of empathy. Gets way too attached to people. Loves to fall asleep in movie theatres. Thought Ralph Fiennes was sexy in Schindler’s List. Feels like an asshole for thinking Ralph Fiennes was sexy in Schindler’s List. Is an only child. Hasn’t spoken to her father in 7 months. Mostly wears glasses now. Is 15 pounds lighter than she was before college. Frequently skips meals to avoid wasting time in the cafeteria. Gets anxious when talking on the phone. Hates her body. Saves meaningful AIM conversations. Is saddened by young earth creationists. Gave Chuck Palahniuk a shot, and fucking hated his writing. Wants to marry Zooey Glass. Only wears knee socks, even in the summer. Is unreasonably paranoid that her relationships will die. Wishes the city of Chicago would stop telling her where she can smoke. Speaks to her mother at least twice a day on the phone. Is really tired. Has a dysfunctional digestive system. Is always cold. Is a perfectionist. Is a virgin. Wishes she were more creative. Wishes campus cable had the Disney Channel. Is incredibly impatient and annoyed with slow internets. Feels physically and intellectually inferior to everyone. Has a hard time making eye contact, even with her closest friends. Doesn’t recycle. Hates politics. Prefers to hang out with one person at a time, as opposed to a large group of people. Cries frequently. Detests cold weather. Looks at the ground when she walks. Does not find alcohol all that appealing, but is not so violently opposed to the idea anymore. Thinks people who can play music are fucking awesome. Loves libraries. Wishes she had more time to read. Wishes there was a good band playing in Chicago this weekend. Wishes she had more positive things to say about herself. Really tried to think of more positive things to say about herself.

And here are some new ones:
Is a Neuroscience major. Is not so lonely anymore. Has calmed down a lot in the past 6 months. Is fucking obsessed with the Beatles. Is thinking about becoming Buddhist. Has more respect for herself. Is on a shit load of psychotropic drugs. Is going to quit smoking. Has met someone awesome and can't wait to see what happens. Has gained far too much weight. Walks outside a lot, even in the cold. Cannot imagine an existence without the Starbucks double shot. Watches more TV than she used to. Spends way too much money on random shit. Is not even half as judgmental as she was last year. Has conquered her crippling depression. Feels so much better off. Finally understands why he was such an asshole. Is becoming very satisfied with her relationships.

It's good, no?

This was probably really boring.

I really wish that I weren't thinking about this bullshit right now because I have two final papers to write before tonight's festivities (I turn 20!) but I am. So here it is. All of it.

God I don't even know how to start. All I know is that I've never felt this way about another human being before. It isn't love, it isn't obsession, it is anger or happiness. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT IS. All I know is that I've hooked up with a couple guys and had a couple one night stands, but none of them even compare to the satisfaction I feel when I'm with you. And I haven't been near you in three months. And I can't stop fucking thinking about this stupid way that I feel because I don't know what it is. And it's driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy. And not even in a bad way. The only reason I'm ever overly emotional or upset about the way that I feel is because I know that it upsets you, irritates you, and makes you want to crush me because God knows, that would be so much easier. And I don't even understand why I give a shit, because I know that you only used me for sex, and I used you for sex, and I never felt that our sex was meaningful in any way. It's not because you were my first. I didn't think anything about our friendship/relationship/whatever the fuck was meaningful at all. But you were satisfying. More satisfying than any of my closest friends have ever been. And that's the only way I know how to describe this. Of course I liked talking to you, but this doesn't even have anything to do with it. Have I stopped making sense? I think I have. I can only imagine the way that you feel about me, even though I've never been in that type of situation before. I can imagine your frustration and your anger and I'm sorry. I can't help it. I know that "it was fun but it's time to move on now." I just don't think it's a matter of "getting over you" because I was never in love with you to begin with. I don't understand the way that I feel about you, because if I did, it would be so much easier to stop thinking about you.

Fun fact: Letting a bladder infection go two weeks untreated causes said devil infection to spread to your kidneys.

My favorite part was handing the lab technician at the UIC Medical Clinic my cup of nasty, cloudy, chunky urine.

Also being kept up all night by excruciating pains in my lower back.

GTFO infection, I do not have time for you.

I spent way too much time on this.

oh, the joys of desktop customization.

Well it's Saturday morning and I've been up since 6:30 running in and out of the bathroom to vomit.

Fuck you Abilify.

My body is revolting against me.

As if it weren't bad enough that I threw out my back sneezing on Sunday which confined me to my bed all day yesterday and forced me to miss my eight hours of work, I wake up this morning to a bladder infection and the intense stomach pains that ailed me last week. Not to mention that I started three new prescription drugs over the past week that together have been making me feel some serious nausea every day, making me incapable of eating food so I can take Tylenol for my backache. Every morning this week I've had to force myself to eat some toast and Sprite when I wake up just to settle my stomach enough to be able to function.

Shoot me in the goddamn head.

Hi LiveJournal!

This week I start two new medications on top of my Celexa!





Nugh.

Alright, Tony's on his way to pick me up so we can get some foodz.

Happy weekend.

I was feeling down earlier tonight but then I kind of accidentally guilted Tony into hanging out for a bit. We went to Starbucks and I got a venti double shot, which was kind of a bad choice considering that I'm recovering from the plague and have decided to try going back to work tomorrow for the first since last Thursday. But I do feel better now.

My neck is pretty much still KILLING me, and I just found a massively enlarged lymph node bulging out the side of it. It's pretty disconcerting, actually, so I'm hoping it doesn't explode or something.

Aside from this week of hell, I've been having a much better summer than I thought I would. I'm hanging out with Katie a ton, which is awesome because I love her, and I'm reading again, and trying to focus more on my experiences while I'm having them and less when I'm not. I still forget to breath occasionally, but it's nothing a good drive and a venti iced double shot can't fix. Hooray for extreme emotional dysregulation! Hooray psychotropic drugs!

ok, bedtime.

Raise high the roof beam, carpenters.

The doorman of my building must think I'm fucking insane, because for the past two nights I've run outside sobbing at 3 am with a pack of cigarettes in my hand. I've not been able to sleep for the past four days and it's frustrating as hell.

I finally ended up passing out around 5 am last night after talking on the phone with Eric, who was incredibly high on some sort of medication and fell asleep mid conversation. When my alarm went off at 7:30 I turned it off and crawled back into bed (why is it so fucking cold in my room?) with my cell phone and fell back to sleep. Maggie called me a couple times, and I guess I told her that I had class at nine even though I had absolutely no intention of going; I don't remember. She called back around ten and asked me why the fuck I was still in bed. I threw on some clothes and bypassed brushing my teeth by throwing a stick of gum into my mouth. My eyes were almost swollen shut and my face was still red.

After that, I ran downstairs to meet her and we got breakfast. Eggs and hash browns and toast and coffee and skipping Calculus and good company cheered me up a bit. And since I skipped both of my morning classes and I haven't been to chem class in well over a week, I decided to attend.

But then I walked out thirty minutes into class.

Also, I convinced my psychiatrist to switch my medication to wellbutrin because I can't have orgasms anymore.

Now I feel fantastic.

How does my mind manage all of this?

What? I guess I have a new toy.





Oh god, I can't resist cameras.

I'm so excited for this to come. Weeee.

Ugh, why can't I fucking sleep right now? It's maddening. I'm frustrated and bored and hungry and there is nothing to do and I just want to pass out.

I'm not in a terrible mood, but I'm still finding it extraordinarily difficult to shut my mind off.

I want it to just be morning already, so I can go eat a huge omelet and hashbrowns on Maxwell street.

RAWR.

Alright kids, I need your opinions.

I'm planning a tattoo sometime in the near future, and I've known what I want for quite some time now. I'm getting the Portuguese word "saudade" on my calf right below my knee.

I've been sitting here for the past couple of hours looking for decent fonts for the tattoo, and I've found a few I rather enjoy:









What does LiveJournal think?

I'm also getting this tattoo at some point, but I just haven't decided where yet:



...the flying gramophone.

I'm dying for some company tonight.
-Lauren

OH FUCKING SON OF A BITCH

I was just on hold trying to reach a goddamn IVCC counselor and now I have their motherfucking song stuck in my head.

DIE